Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Epiphany
I've had terrible luck with men ever since I started medical school (honestly, perhaps I've had it ever since I first started showing interest in the opposite sex, but for the sake of this entry I'm going to cut the self-pity short).
Naturally, I started blaming myself.
I was too needy.
I was too aloof.
I was too stupid.
I was too smart.
I was always there.
I never had time for him.
I mean, I must have been doing something. There were so many things I could have done wrong. But what?
After long year of observation, both first and second-hand, I began to realize that it really had nothing to do with me at all. With the men I was choosing, there was nothing I could possibly do that would be "right" for them, short of actually morphing myself into a textbook. Or a study guide. Or a library.
Allow me to generalize, for the sake of brevity:
Women are multitaskers. We can juggle school and relationships simultaneously. We can dedicate our hearts and minds to becoming the best physicians we can be, and still have room for unconditional love and support for someone that we truly care about, outside of school. Our lovers and our careers rotate in separate spheres, sometimes coming together symbiotically, sometimes clashing. But we will always try our best to make sure they keep spinning.
Men do not see things this way. They can only focus on one thing at a time. On the one hand, this means that it is nigh impossible for most of them to even consider making time for someone else in their lives, except perhaps on the weekends, or on days when there aren't too many meetings, and there isn't a quiz or exam on the horizon, and there aren't as many lectures to catch up on as usual. On the other hand, I will give most of them credit for being smart enough to realize that a relationship is not something to be half-assed, something that can be put off for the weekends. It is a day-to-day commitment, much like a job or med school work. And for these driven, brilliant men that I tend to fall for, it simply isn't possible to commit one's heart and mind fully to school and fully to another person at the same time.
When it comes down to me vs. med school, med school will always win. I am drawn to the difficult ones. The ones whose pasts are clouded, who had made up their minds before we'd even met to mark me down as something dangerous and pointless to waste effort upon.
I will close this post and say that I've given up on any man here that I've ever found interesting, because the only thing I can count on them to do is not to make any time for me.
Naturally, I started blaming myself.
I was too needy.
I was too aloof.
I was too stupid.
I was too smart.
I was always there.
I never had time for him.
I mean, I must have been doing something. There were so many things I could have done wrong. But what?
After long year of observation, both first and second-hand, I began to realize that it really had nothing to do with me at all. With the men I was choosing, there was nothing I could possibly do that would be "right" for them, short of actually morphing myself into a textbook. Or a study guide. Or a library.
Allow me to generalize, for the sake of brevity:
Women are multitaskers. We can juggle school and relationships simultaneously. We can dedicate our hearts and minds to becoming the best physicians we can be, and still have room for unconditional love and support for someone that we truly care about, outside of school. Our lovers and our careers rotate in separate spheres, sometimes coming together symbiotically, sometimes clashing. But we will always try our best to make sure they keep spinning.
Men do not see things this way. They can only focus on one thing at a time. On the one hand, this means that it is nigh impossible for most of them to even consider making time for someone else in their lives, except perhaps on the weekends, or on days when there aren't too many meetings, and there isn't a quiz or exam on the horizon, and there aren't as many lectures to catch up on as usual. On the other hand, I will give most of them credit for being smart enough to realize that a relationship is not something to be half-assed, something that can be put off for the weekends. It is a day-to-day commitment, much like a job or med school work. And for these driven, brilliant men that I tend to fall for, it simply isn't possible to commit one's heart and mind fully to school and fully to another person at the same time.
When it comes down to me vs. med school, med school will always win. I am drawn to the difficult ones. The ones whose pasts are clouded, who had made up their minds before we'd even met to mark me down as something dangerous and pointless to waste effort upon.
I will close this post and say that I've given up on any man here that I've ever found interesting, because the only thing I can count on them to do is not to make any time for me.
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