How to make "The Best Apple Pie in the World"

Preheat your oven to 450 degs.

CRUST
Ingredients:
2 sticks frozen butter
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
6 - 8 tsp water

Freeze your butter for as long as you can. If you're the prepared type of cook, you'll have it frozen since last night or the morning or whatever. If you're like me, just throw the sticks in when the idea of making pie first starts sparking in your head and by the time you get your bowl, mixing spoon, flour, baking tray, and other shit together, the butter will be cold enough.

While your butter is freezing, put the sugar and salt into your flour (that I assume you've already put into your nice mixing bowl).

Take out your frozen butter and cut it into tiny cubes. I mean, cut it into slices or don't cut it at all if you want, but cutting it as tiny and cubular as possible really helps with the mixing.

Drop your butter into the flour and mix, mix, mix. Coat all the pieces in flour so they won't stick together and/or melt. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOUR BUTTER DOESN'T MELT. The separate tiny bits of butter are what make your crust flaky and delicious.

Once what's in the bowl starts looking like a crumbly mess, start adding in ice cold water a tsp at a time. It'll start to get kind of doughy. Add just enough water so that you can smush the dough into a ball. You can use your hands (I personally think hands are better at manipulating this stuff than a spoon).

Wrap up the dough ball in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge.

Now repeat all the steps for your other crust! If this next one turns out better, use it as your top crust and use your crappier one for your bottom crust.

Put both balls of dough into the fridge to chill. You're gonna be busy for a while.

INSIDES
So, you don't really have to put apples in this pie. You could put peaches, cherries, or blueberries in it. Or pumpkin. Or pudding. Or straight whipped cream. Or a bunch of chocolate candy. Or you could bake the crust by itself first and then put ice cream in it. Then put candy on it.

Anyway, the title of the post says "Apple Pie" and I'm keeping it like that for now because I haven't tried making other pies yet. But I'm pretty sure any of the above options would be great.

Here is what you'll need for APPLE pie filling.
Apples
Sugar - White and Brown
Cinnamon
Allspice
Lemon juice
Butter

Onward!

Cut your apples up thin. This helps them cook faster, because the crust cooks really really fast. throw them all in a bowl and squeeze lemon juice over them so they don't turn all nasty and brown. Next, shake a ton of cinnamon over the slices and toss them a bit so the cinnamon coating is even. After that you're gonna want to put just a bit of allspice and mix that in too. Sprinkle about two handfuls of white sugar over it last.

PUTTING IT TOGETHER

Take those two balls of dough out of the fridge. Pick up the crappier one and smush it into the bottom of your pie pan (grease the pan if you need to). This is gonna be your bottom crust. Take out your nicer crust now and use your hands/rolling pin/book/whatever to make it as flat as you can. This is gonna be your top crust. With this one you can either choose to cut it into strips and make a super fancy lattice top pie or you can just plop it down on top of your pan.

Get your bowl of apple slices and pour them in on top of the bottom crust. Now, really quickly,
you're gonna make the last very important component of the filling - the butter and brown sugar sauce. It's just what it sounds like. Melt a half stick of butter and stir as much brown sugar as you're comfortable with into it until it's a syrupy brown sauce. Drizzle this stuff over the apple slices and maybe dust a little flour over them afterward so it's not too liquidy.

Take your top crust and throw it on top any way you like - just splat or in a fancy lattice.

Whip up an egg with a bit of milk and vanilla extract to make an egg wash and brush that over your crust.

Sprinkle some sugar onto your crust, if you'd like, to top it off.

Now throw that sucker in!!

Keep an eye on it. It'll probably take about 20 - 30 minutes for the crust to turn brown.
If you decided to make a fancy lattice crust, you might have to turn down the heat to 350ish once the top crust turns brown and let it sit in the oven a bit longer so the bits of dough covered by the other bits in your lattice can have time to bake.

While it's baking, have your friend run out to get ice cream.

Once it's done, take it out, dig yourself a huge chunk of it, plop some ice cream on top, and GO TO TOWNNN.